It
was a relaxing late Sunday morning at home. One of those rare mornings
when the only thing on the schedule for a few hours was to hang out. A
Cardinals game was about to start and the younger one (age 7) was eagerly
anticipating the game. The older one (age 10) wanted to watch a new
episode of his favorite show that just happened to be starting at the same
time. The bickering and the nit-picking began, then led into tattling
and whining (and, I think, a remote control whizzing past my head). It
wasn’t long before the shrieks began. Naturally, the calm-natured mother
that I am, I demanded they stop-that-crazy-behavior-and-say-you’re-sorry!
That’s
sorta how it happened. For the sake of Shalom Bayit (peace in our home), the
moment of conflict ended and was quickly resolved, with little time to process
and steam coming out of my ears.
I
don’t think I’m the only parent out there that just wants my kids to end
negative behaviors, admit they are sorry, and immediately do better next time.
It takes incredible energy to stop and process every single disagreement and
mistake properly. We all cut the corners every now and again, and hope
that the words alone will imbue a sense of forgiveness and remorse.
But
I also need to remember that the act of apologizing and teaching repentance is
one that is much more than simply the words, “I’m sorry.” These lessons
are laden with so much of the junk that is the most uncomfortable for us to
face. Truly being sorry, and admitting the how-what-and-why of the
apology, are totally different things. An honest apology opens doors to
our own vulnerabilities. And let’s all be honest, that is not always very
fun.
This
season of Elul, and the subsequent holidays, are deliberately intended to be a
time when we come face-to-face with exactly that which makes us
uncomfortable. The notion of Teshuvah is to return and reflect on
our actions and own up to that which is the hardest. It will sometimes be
ugly and awkward, making it (logically) something we also want to avoid.
When
I do my work with infants and toddlers through the J-Pat (Jewish Parents as
Teachers) program, I encourage the parent and child to spend time together
during this season of year simply holding a mirror up to their child’s face;
the literal act of reflecting provides an opportunity for a parent to
take pause of the wonder and purity of this new, young potential in their
child. Hopefully, that pause is also a chance to stop and think about the
opportunity of our own, adult reflection. When we honestly and openly
reflect on ourselves, we truly can begin a process of teshuvah.
I
like to remember that sense of purity and innocence of my own children when
they were babies. Reflecting and remembering the images of those sweet
faces helps me return to a hopeful and pure time as a parent, a time when I had
full intentions of teaching the values of forgiveness and integrity. It
reminds me, personally, to take stock in how I have been doing. I
remember the promises I made to myself and to them, before we started the power
struggles and button-pushing. My own teshuvah becomes
something I can manage. The tasks are again tangible and doable.
Does this mean I won’t make mistakes or continue to scream (sometimes) at my
kids? Of course not. But the memory of my promises helps me keep
myself in line and at least make an effort to try.
The
holidays give us the opportunity to be mindful of our intentions, in every relationship
we have in our life. We are so fortunate to have a tradition that asks us
to be honest and fallible, to acknowledge that we are humans filled with
complex emotions, and to learn to live with each other despite the challenges.
Embracing this time, sincerely, gives us the chance to be the best we can
be.
I
feel confident that it won’t take long for me to lose my cool with my kids
again soon. But maybe the next time a remote control is hurled across the
room I will try harder and do better.
Shayna Warner
Shayna Warner has a
Bachelor's Degree in Early Childhood Education from Bradley University and a
Master's Degree in Social Work from Tulane University. She has been a
Parent Educator for the Jewish Parents as Teachers (JPat) since the program
began in 2011. She also has served as the Camp Social Worker at Goldman Union
Camp Institute (GUCI) for the past two summers. She is married to Cantor
Seth Warner and has two sons, Simon and Isaac.
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